message in a bottle

Let’s be generous and say that ten years down the road, someone somewhere will want to write something about Tom Cruise. In that unlikely event, I’m linking to the definitive, concise tale of the recent downfall and hopeful comeback of the Toothy One—the story of the “never-ending kiss“:

“I can’t be cool. I can’t be laid-back,” a starry-eyed Cruise said on “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” “Something happened and I want to celebrate it.”

Many were skeptical of the over-the-top emotion, suspicious that it was an act to help publicize each star’s then-current movies: “War of the Worlds” and “Batman Returns.” But those critics were temporarily silenced when, in June 2005, the couple became engaged at Paris’ Eiffel Tower happily posing for photographers and reporters immediately afterward.

The relationship, People magazine deputy editor Larry Hackett remarked at the time, “was presented fully baked for public consumption.”

In stark contrast, the couple did not provide the public a peek of Suri until 4 1/2 months after her April 18 birth, leading to fevered speculation that she didn’t even exist. The couple finally unveiled her, true to megastar form, on the cover of Vanity Fair.

Many celebrities attended the Cruise-Holmes nuptials, but the most symbolic attendee was Brooke Shields. Cruise had very publicly criticized Shields for taking antidepressants after the birth of her first daughter; he apologized to her in person a few months ago.

The actor’s perspective on antidepressants echoes that of Scientology, and Cruise became more vocal about his religion after firing longtime publicist Pat Kingsley. Cruise’s sister, Lee Anne DeVette, took over as his publicist in March 2004, but was replaced last November after Cruise’s image seemed in decline.

After describing the birth of the couple’s daughter, Suri, the author goes on to mention Mr. Cruise being cut off from Paramount by Sumner Redstone, which was followed soon after by the lavish unveiling of Suri, whom Cruise had kept mysteriously hidden away until she was ready for her close-up on the cover of Vanity Fair.

Soon thereafter, a business deal for Mr. Cruise and his producing partner, Paula Wagner, was announced in Hollywood (not mentioned for some reason in what I’ve otherwise called The Definitive Short History of the Recent Adventures of No Longer Top Gun Tom Cruise).

Finally, we get to the climax:

The public, of course, loves a big movie-star marriage. But will the castle ceremony help Cruise and Holmes restore a measure of normalcy to their relationship, or serve as yet another unique spectacle?

Stay tuned. But don’t hold your breath.

With neither star expected back on the big screen soon (Cruise is slated to begin shooting “Lions for Lambs” with Robert Redford in January; Holmes has nothing planned) it will be a while before the box office provides an answer.

That’s a lot of time and expense and PRopaganda (TM) production value that Mr. Cruise has put into a devastating loss of credibility among his peers and, more important, a fading career at the box office. If he proves unable to maintain his stardom, though, it won’t be for lack of trying.

It is kind of amazing to see the lengths he and his celebrity peers are willing to go to in order to retain their faded glory. Haven’t they heard? Hollywood is in eclipse.